The Dentist

I just got back from a visit to the dentist. DEAR….LORD. I’ll try to recap it accurately. First off, I had to use the restroom. When the mission was complete, I walk out of the restroom to find the hygienist waiting for me outside the door with her chart. That wasn’t awkward at all. Then she takes me to this robot that’s going to “take X-rays.” Yeah….right. The thing is spinning around my head at Mach 5 and she tells me, “If it bumps you, try to remain still.” I could tell this was going to be a long appointment.

Next thing I know, I’m sitting in the chair where she proceeds to “check my gums.” The dentist walks in next and says, “Hey Trav, how the hell ‘ya doin?” Hmmm….let’s see here. “Well, your lovely assistant here just finished poking my gums with a needle-sharp instrument just to see if I would bleed. How the hell do you THINK I’m doing?” Turns out I bled in 22 places. They would like to get that number down to 10. You know what? So would I. I told them that if they only want me to bleed in 10 places, they need to only poke me in 10 places. It’s simple arithmetic people.

Here’s another question. What do you do with your hands while on the table? Normally, when people are being tortured, they are at least given a stick to bite down on. It’s common courtesy, really. But since the pain is coming from the area said stick would be placed, that’s not really an option. So I am forced to use my hands to express the pain I’m in. Normally this involves making a tight fist…just in case something goes down. The hygienist said to tell her if I’m in any pain by raising my hand….like I’m going to be the one sissy who actually does that! So instead, I just sat there, playing with my wedding ring, wondering what would happen to my wife and child if I didn’t make it.

Well, that’s about it. In closing, I believe that dentists have no soul. I’m sure they’re good people, just empty inside. I would love to be proven wrong, but experience tells me otherwise.

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